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Apologies for the lack of posts lateley, but things have been quiet on the dating front around here. Take that to mean what you will ;)

Write soon,
Little Miss Match

Dear John, I need a dictionary to understand your email...

My friend Sarah always tells me, "if you aren't 100% happy, then you move on." This is the time to be selfish, not to make compromises and hope things work out. And since that's my typical M.O., I'm trying things differently this time. Thanks, Sarah!

I had been on a few dates with this guy that I wasn't totally convinced was my perfect match. My main contentions were that he seemed to enjoy channel surfing more then being active and the physical chemistry just wasn't quite happening for me. But we had good laughs together, so I thought I'd give it a few dates and see if something developed. Alas, after our last meet-up - in which he disclosed he doesn't like to be out in the sun for very long and I saw his bacne and hairy crack - I pretty much lost all interest. So I decided to write him a 'Dear John' email, which seemed appropriate since that's the medium we met through and I had been on only a handful of dates with said person.

I thought it was nice yet clear, to-the-point but kind. Turns out it elicited a totally different response then I expected. His reply convinced me that this was the right thing to do (and that I need I probably would have scored higher on the verbal section of the GRE had I used this guy's emails as a study guide.)

Here it is, peanut gallery comments in black. Keep in mind I had only been on five or so dates with this guy, so I wasn't thinking much more explanation was deserved.

Dear Ms. Match,

While I appreciate the verbose explanation, I really think I'm owed a little something more than the "it's not you, it's me" explanation (doesn't verbose mean excessively wordy? if so, then you shouldn't need more). My experience shows that that comment usually meant it's me. All I'm really asking for is the truth, not an esoteric explanation. If it's really me and you just aren't interested or you'd just rather see someone else or you're still under your ex (what does this mean? like am I still sleeping with me ex? um, no), I'd rather just prefer the blunt force trauma of the truth. If it is really just you having to get over your demons, then I totally feel like an asshole with my comments above. I'd still love to stay friends with you and who knows, maybe you'll come to your senses :) (smiley faces don't make everything better, buddy)

In all honesty, I've had a really great time with you over the last month (not surprising, I am amazing). I really looked forward to hanging out with you and always had a great time when we did. I don't know really what else to say other than I was feeling a bit prescient (prescient = anticipation of the course of events) during the week since you didn't seem very talkative whenever I called, so I wanted to give you your space. I figured something was going on with you. I hope I wasn't seemingly coming across like I was progressing too fast, because that wasn't my intention. I'm really a picky person when it comes to those I date and you really piqued my interest. There's a lot to like about you. If you are interested in me and just need time, I would still be interested in waiting.....but not years :)

With all this being said, I'd still like to hear from you and get your explanation. I'll respect your wishes not to call, but I would greatly appreciate an explanation sometime with a little more depth.

Other than that, I hope you get past your issues. (um, thanks?)

I hope to hear from you soon.

-John

A male acquaintance* had this to say about it all. I think it's quite eloquent, so I'm posting it here.

"What a pansy. Why can't he just do the noble thing: Call her a bitch, grab a bottle of whiskey and a couple of friends and head to the strip club? Why does he have to drop bad jokes, multiple 's, and a shitload of SAT words?"

Followed by this as a suggested response - brilliant.

"Please consider this to be formal notification that I intend to terminate our relationship effective immediately. I am no longer interested in participating in any activities, platonic or otherwise. For the purposes of justifying this termination, be advised that I am presently engrossed in a period of self-discovery and development and do not hold you to be at fault. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding."

Thanks, JC! I think you need to be a regular Lil Miss Match commentator.

Tempting, but...no

When dating on the internet, the initial emails are like your pre-screening tool; these correspondences are your first impression of the person. Amazingly, so many people seem to hit 'send' before considering what they've just written. I know we live in progressive times, but what happened to chivalry and manners? Common sense? Spell-check?

I am frequently amazed by people's social etiquette, or lack thereof. Granted I was raised by a woman who thinks The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right is standard dating protocol (wow! take a look here for a synopsis of 'The Rules'), but I think a little reserve is apropos when first getting to know someone. Especially in the initial stages of communication when you are scrutinizing a person's moral fiber and civility. After that phase is over, bring on the inappropriate jokes, sexual innuendos, and politically incorrect banter.

Never mind manners, how about getting a clue and thinking before you type? Maybe I should be thankful for the ones who disclose they are vertically challenged or have serious commitment issues upfront. Oh, and don't even get me started on the emails I get from people who live 50+ miles away. Why yes, I'd love to drive down to Riverside to meet you at Red Lobster! Atlanta, Georgia? No problemo! And lastly, my biggest peeve, the ones who ask too many questions in a single email. Pick one or two and I'll get back to you - I don't have time to write you a novella on how I feel about hand-holding, black labs, Depression-era jazz and the effects of the current economy on philanthropy.

Internet dating has provided a quarry of these gems. Here are a few email excerpts from potential suitors:

1. "I am interested in seeing your best feature of a neck. There are not too many nice necks around, and that is a deal breaker for me. But I would like to know a couple of things. Are you good with verbal intimacy (I'm not talking sex talk, but just expressing what's on your mind)? Is chemistry important to you? Do you have two-way conversations over the phone and in real life where you not only talk about yourself but try to get to know the other person too?" - yes, let me just whip up a 500-word essay on those light subjects and get right back to you!




2. "hey beautiful, how's going? I heard you are super hot !! is this true ?? lol love the smile ;) take care"- really, you did?! That's amazing!




3. "You made me curious and I wanted to find more about you. I am interested in meeting you or talk (which every you prefer). Would be nice if we can meet sometime and have laugh together, conversations and good company. Have a beautiful day and looking forward to hear from you." - I would love to have laugh together. Do you happen to have an Uncle who needs help transferring money into his Nigerian bank account?




4. "i know you live in Pasadena, but how close to LA proper?" - What? You want to know how far I live from Union Station? Google map it, I have no idea.




5. After not responding for one day (ONE DAY!) I got this email, "Was it something I said? or something I asked? I hope not." Followed by this message the next day, "Obviously I was kidding about my last email. Just my sarcastic side popping up.I was wondering if you would like to get together next week and meet each other and grab a bite to eat?" - yes, sure! Right after I finish watching Sleeping with the Enemy.




6. "Wow ... Gorgeous and you like Disneyland. Don't exactly know why that's a "wow", but it sounded good in my head. Hi, I'm Bob ... How are you?" - ugh, no comment.




7. And my personal favorite so far, "What kind of dog do you have? Has he gotten in your bathtub and pooped? You should teach him/her to do that, it's easy clean up. I'd like to have a dog, but am forbidden. Yes, I live in an apartment. When are you planning on entering a PhD program, sucker for punishment?" - Where in my profile do I state I have a dog?! Nowhere. But I know what I'm going to do when I get one - teach it to crap in my bathtub because it's easy to clean-up. WTF?! And why are you forbidden to own a pet? Wait, nevermind, don't answer that.

Copy, Paste & Bang!

On the drive to work this morning I was listening to a guest speaker on the Kevin & Bean show (106.7 KROQ). His name is Beaver Phillips (perhaps a long-lost member of Wilson Phillips?), and he was talking about this book he wrote Copy, Paste & Bang!: A Guide to Meeting Women on the Internet and Having Sex With Them. Basically it is a guide for men on how to score with chicks via internet dating sites. Imagine my horror (or delight) when he relayed that he has the highest rate of success (success = sleeping with someone) on Match.com*! He claims to have lost count of how many women he's slept with via Match (gross) and that his fool-proof method can help even the most clueless of men get layed (fabulous). How much you want to bet this guy has an autographed copy of Tucker Max's I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell inside his condom drawer?

Being the rational over-thinker that I am, I weighed my reactions to this information. Sure, he's a jerk and I was initially offended - but I'm no idiot. Internet dating is a gamble, and you'd be a fool to think the majority of people on these dating sites are a stand-up gentlemen interested in meeting your folks and learning your deepest, darkest secrets. Once in a while you'll hear stories about people who met their soul-mate on the internet, but it's the rare exception.

Lil Miss Match is going to read this and use it to her advantage! Knowing the game plan will give me the power to thwart attempts to get into my pants at first correspondence** (apparently he has an email template he recommends using). Looking back, I can see that my biggest let-down, Dr. Feel Bad ,was preening me: fancy dinner- check, acting confident - check, alluding to a future with me - check, noting what I find humorous and using that to make me laugh - check, and he succeeded!

*Alas, eHarmony freaks me out - I feel like I might end up pregnant and barefoot in a Modesto trailor park if I go that route. JDate might be a possibility - I do heart the Jews.

**Unless, of course, that is the kind of relationship I feel like having with said person!

Here is the book description from Amazon.com:
"Congratulations! You are in the right place and one step closer to getting laid. Not long ago, I was most likely a lot like you, an average guy heading out to bars in a sometimes successful but often disappointing quest to get laid. That ends today! Copy, Paste & Bang! was written for one simple reason: to help regular guys meet women utilizing the Internet and to get you laid. That's it! The information in this book will do wonders for any guy regardless of age, looks or income. The contents clearly outline what it takes for the Average Joe to meet women on the Internet and have sex with them in person. These techniques will all but eliminate rejection. When you compare traditional dating to Internet dating, well, there is no comparison. Why limit yourself to the women that happen to be in the bar or club that night when there are thousands in your area? Many books about "Dating" tell you how to meet chicks in bars, how to introduce yourself, get a phone number, and set up a date night in order to establish some kind of relationship. Guys, picking up a woman that you know nothing about is hard. Rejection is inevitable and that gets really old really fast. Enter a club or bar and chances are there will be women in there. No matter how good you might become at "picking up chicks" in bars ultimately what do you know about who you are picking up? Nothing! Going out to bars should be reserved for hanging out with friends, grabbing some drinks, and watching the game. Forget about subjecting yourself to rejection from average chicks and bar flies. Life is too short and can be a lot more fun! Through the effective techniques outlined in this book you will find out everything you need to know about a chick before meeting her. Before you waste another night randomly wondering from bar to bar, know who you are meeting and more importantly why! Getting laid on a regular basis was never so easy. Copy, Paste & Bang! is worth the price of admission....."

Man Seeking woMAN

Dear Lordy. This is the Match date that brought the imminence of creating this blog to a head. It’s a long account, but worth the read.

So this guy and I arrange to meet at 7:30 for cocktails. At 7:45 I texted him because I couldn’t find him at the bar and he responded that he was mistakenly at the bar next door. As I eagerly watched the front door for him to enter, he traipsed in and my gay-dar went off. When he opened his mouth to say hello, I immediately thought that if they ever need a Nathan Lane voice-double for the making of The Birdcage 2, this guy would be a shoe-in. His nicely coiffed hair and glowing skin didn’t help persuade me much either. My head started reeling and I was trying to quickly figure out what the heck was going on. It’s obvious that this man prefers men. Am I on a hidden camera show?! My manners trump common sense and I find myself ordering another beer as he orders a Jack & Diet (guess I'll be the one killing spiders in this relationship). We proceed to have a couple more cocktails (he doesn’t offer to pay for any of mine) and it comes out that on his last Match date the girl questioned his sexual preference within the first 20 minutes. He was telling me that he was so shocked and hurt, so of course I had to be like, “OMG, that’s awful, how rude, etc” but I am thinking, “ding, ding, because you are!” in my head.

He then tells me that he was the front desk manager of fancy salon for many years (great products, got some at Sundance a few years ago) and that most of his friends work in that field. He now works as an admin or “secretary” (as he called it). There were several awkward silences, especially after he caressed my shoulder and told me what a beautiful smile I had. It was like Bobby Trendy saying he wants to build you a log cabin. Meanwhile the bartender was chuckling the whole time. When my date got up to take a bathroom break, she and two other dudes at the bar chimed in that he was clearly gay. His main topics of conversation included the following: he’s a season pass holder to Disneyland and likes to go down a few times a month to trade Disney pins with the cast members, he collects Star Trek figurines and really thinks people who keep them in their original packaging are lame – they are meant to be taken out and played with, and he has outfitted his apartment with his female guests in mind – he wanted to give them a space to put their purses so he bought a cubby hole bookshelf from Ikea for that express purpose.

I wanted to end it so badly, I kept trying to think of an out – but he kept ordering drinks (for himself) and I was stuck in my “be a nice person” mode. Finally at 9:45 I was like, “I have to go” and to my horror he insisted on walking me to my car. This is where it gets good. Being that is was a bit nippy outside, he whipped out a bomber jacket that he had cleverly hidden up until this point. On the back it read,“Tales from the Crypt” and had some fancy embroidered character on it- remember that show from like 10 yrs ago?! On the front, where a name might be, he had an assortment of Disney and Star Trek pins – NO JOKE!!! He leaned in for a hug/kiss, so I gave him a quick side hug and bolted.

Jurassic Mismatch

How do you feel about men wearing jewelry? I’m not so much of a fan. Unfortunately for me, my Match date thought it was a great idea. I met Jurassic Jewel Boy at a local brewery. After the obligatory hug I stepped back and immediately noticed his adornments. Not only was he wearing a slice of amber around his neck, but he also had on a petit silver cuff bracelet (which he later revealed to me was etched with a Navajo trail scene - mind you this guy is in his mid-thirties and is blaringly Caucasian). The necklace, he gleefully explained, was suspended by a chain of sliced dinosaur vertebrae – a trinket he picked up on a hiking trip in Utah a few years prior! Amazed that any grown man would wear such artifacts, I asked him to clarify what he did – his Match profile was a little vague. Big Mistake. JJB proceeded to tell me that he works as a salesman for a company that tests for HPV. He then shared with me the procedure for collecting specimens and that he estimated every girl at the bar we were at had HPV whether they knew it or not. He said the only way to avoid it was abstinence and looked to me for some non-verbal affirmation that I was free and clear. Yikes, buddy.

Tevas

A bit frazzled/hung-over from my date the night before (see “Dr. Feel Bad”), this next guy never really stood a chance. He chose a lovely brunch spot down by the water for our 11:00 meet-up. I guess that time should have been a clue. Anyone that can meet up for a blind date at 11:00 on a Sunday probably doesn’t have the most rockin’ social life. After I texted him my patented funny, pressure relieving pre-arrival text (“would now be a good time to tell you I’m actually a 300-pound Samoan man named Tiny?”) he responded rather uncreatively that he was waiting inside the restaurant. I walked down from the main lobby and was met by a man with a serious poindexter haircut wearing Teva sandals. Tevas people! Thank God he wasn’t wearing socks with them. It became quickly apparent that he had no sense of humor and the rest of the date was a snore. At one point I recall him mentioning that he liked to time himself while doing household chores so he could work on being more efficient – oh, behave! Tevas can now add time-efficiency to his dating skills - our date lasted all of 50 minutes.