Dear John, I need a dictionary to understand your email...

My friend Sarah always tells me, "if you aren't 100% happy, then you move on." This is the time to be selfish, not to make compromises and hope things work out. And since that's my typical M.O., I'm trying things differently this time. Thanks, Sarah!

I had been on a few dates with this guy that I wasn't totally convinced was my perfect match. My main contentions were that he seemed to enjoy channel surfing more then being active and the physical chemistry just wasn't quite happening for me. But we had good laughs together, so I thought I'd give it a few dates and see if something developed. Alas, after our last meet-up - in which he disclosed he doesn't like to be out in the sun for very long and I saw his bacne and hairy crack - I pretty much lost all interest. So I decided to write him a 'Dear John' email, which seemed appropriate since that's the medium we met through and I had been on only a handful of dates with said person.

I thought it was nice yet clear, to-the-point but kind. Turns out it elicited a totally different response then I expected. His reply convinced me that this was the right thing to do (and that I need I probably would have scored higher on the verbal section of the GRE had I used this guy's emails as a study guide.)

Here it is, peanut gallery comments in black. Keep in mind I had only been on five or so dates with this guy, so I wasn't thinking much more explanation was deserved.

Dear Ms. Match,

While I appreciate the verbose explanation, I really think I'm owed a little something more than the "it's not you, it's me" explanation (doesn't verbose mean excessively wordy? if so, then you shouldn't need more). My experience shows that that comment usually meant it's me. All I'm really asking for is the truth, not an esoteric explanation. If it's really me and you just aren't interested or you'd just rather see someone else or you're still under your ex (what does this mean? like am I still sleeping with me ex? um, no), I'd rather just prefer the blunt force trauma of the truth. If it is really just you having to get over your demons, then I totally feel like an asshole with my comments above. I'd still love to stay friends with you and who knows, maybe you'll come to your senses :) (smiley faces don't make everything better, buddy)

In all honesty, I've had a really great time with you over the last month (not surprising, I am amazing). I really looked forward to hanging out with you and always had a great time when we did. I don't know really what else to say other than I was feeling a bit prescient (prescient = anticipation of the course of events) during the week since you didn't seem very talkative whenever I called, so I wanted to give you your space. I figured something was going on with you. I hope I wasn't seemingly coming across like I was progressing too fast, because that wasn't my intention. I'm really a picky person when it comes to those I date and you really piqued my interest. There's a lot to like about you. If you are interested in me and just need time, I would still be interested in waiting.....but not years :)

With all this being said, I'd still like to hear from you and get your explanation. I'll respect your wishes not to call, but I would greatly appreciate an explanation sometime with a little more depth.

Other than that, I hope you get past your issues. (um, thanks?)

I hope to hear from you soon.

-John

A male acquaintance* had this to say about it all. I think it's quite eloquent, so I'm posting it here.

"What a pansy. Why can't he just do the noble thing: Call her a bitch, grab a bottle of whiskey and a couple of friends and head to the strip club? Why does he have to drop bad jokes, multiple 's, and a shitload of SAT words?"

Followed by this as a suggested response - brilliant.

"Please consider this to be formal notification that I intend to terminate our relationship effective immediately. I am no longer interested in participating in any activities, platonic or otherwise. For the purposes of justifying this termination, be advised that I am presently engrossed in a period of self-discovery and development and do not hold you to be at fault. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding."

Thanks, JC! I think you need to be a regular Lil Miss Match commentator.