Tempting, but...no

When dating on the internet, the initial emails are like your pre-screening tool; these correspondences are your first impression of the person. Amazingly, so many people seem to hit 'send' before considering what they've just written. I know we live in progressive times, but what happened to chivalry and manners? Common sense? Spell-check?

I am frequently amazed by people's social etiquette, or lack thereof. Granted I was raised by a woman who thinks The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right is standard dating protocol (wow! take a look here for a synopsis of 'The Rules'), but I think a little reserve is apropos when first getting to know someone. Especially in the initial stages of communication when you are scrutinizing a person's moral fiber and civility. After that phase is over, bring on the inappropriate jokes, sexual innuendos, and politically incorrect banter.

Never mind manners, how about getting a clue and thinking before you type? Maybe I should be thankful for the ones who disclose they are vertically challenged or have serious commitment issues upfront. Oh, and don't even get me started on the emails I get from people who live 50+ miles away. Why yes, I'd love to drive down to Riverside to meet you at Red Lobster! Atlanta, Georgia? No problemo! And lastly, my biggest peeve, the ones who ask too many questions in a single email. Pick one or two and I'll get back to you - I don't have time to write you a novella on how I feel about hand-holding, black labs, Depression-era jazz and the effects of the current economy on philanthropy.

Internet dating has provided a quarry of these gems. Here are a few email excerpts from potential suitors:

1. "I am interested in seeing your best feature of a neck. There are not too many nice necks around, and that is a deal breaker for me. But I would like to know a couple of things. Are you good with verbal intimacy (I'm not talking sex talk, but just expressing what's on your mind)? Is chemistry important to you? Do you have two-way conversations over the phone and in real life where you not only talk about yourself but try to get to know the other person too?" - yes, let me just whip up a 500-word essay on those light subjects and get right back to you!




2. "hey beautiful, how's going? I heard you are super hot !! is this true ?? lol love the smile ;) take care"- really, you did?! That's amazing!




3. "You made me curious and I wanted to find more about you. I am interested in meeting you or talk (which every you prefer). Would be nice if we can meet sometime and have laugh together, conversations and good company. Have a beautiful day and looking forward to hear from you." - I would love to have laugh together. Do you happen to have an Uncle who needs help transferring money into his Nigerian bank account?




4. "i know you live in Pasadena, but how close to LA proper?" - What? You want to know how far I live from Union Station? Google map it, I have no idea.




5. After not responding for one day (ONE DAY!) I got this email, "Was it something I said? or something I asked? I hope not." Followed by this message the next day, "Obviously I was kidding about my last email. Just my sarcastic side popping up.I was wondering if you would like to get together next week and meet each other and grab a bite to eat?" - yes, sure! Right after I finish watching Sleeping with the Enemy.




6. "Wow ... Gorgeous and you like Disneyland. Don't exactly know why that's a "wow", but it sounded good in my head. Hi, I'm Bob ... How are you?" - ugh, no comment.




7. And my personal favorite so far, "What kind of dog do you have? Has he gotten in your bathtub and pooped? You should teach him/her to do that, it's easy clean up. I'd like to have a dog, but am forbidden. Yes, I live in an apartment. When are you planning on entering a PhD program, sucker for punishment?" - Where in my profile do I state I have a dog?! Nowhere. But I know what I'm going to do when I get one - teach it to crap in my bathtub because it's easy to clean-up. WTF?! And why are you forbidden to own a pet? Wait, nevermind, don't answer that.